Join me Thursday Feb 9th from 2 to 3pm PST on RJ1200 Love MATTERS and learn how you can find, keep, and deepen a relationship using smartphones and the internet!

I’ll be taking your calls, listening to what works for you, and helping you make love and technology sync better!!

Here’s a quick overview you can listen to of what you can expect!

valentine-roundtable.mp3

One of the first thing I ask couples or singles who come to my office is, “So tell me what the problem is that’s bringing you here today?”

Defining the problem(s) is the first step for many reasons.  The first is that the best way to create change is through awareness!

Whether you step foot inside a counsellor’s office or not, take time to identify the things that are bothering you in relationship.  Notice which problems are related to your relationship and which ones are external problems. For example: “We don’t make love anymore” is a relationship problem.  “I hate my job” is an external problem, but take note of how external problems may affect your relationship.

If you are single and not in a relationship now, examine what happened in previous relationships that were problems.

Next, describe what your partner does (or ex-partner did) that frustrates you. Detail everything—big or small! This list is for your information only. Keep it confidential for now. You can work on it with your partner after you establish a commitment and some guidelines as to how you will deal with these problems later. REMEMBER: All frustrations are important because they are always connected to underlying hurts! Examples on your list might be: “I feel frustrated when you leave your hair in my hairbrush.” “I’m frustrated that you tell your friends and family that things are bad between us.” Do NOT share this list with your partner, yet. And don’t leave it lying around for your partner to “accidentally” see!  These frustrations are like sewage water…your frustrations have to be “chemically-treated” before they can be taken in and swallowed by your partner!

Third, start to do some self-awareness and create empathy for your partner!  Describe what YOU are doing that may frustrate your partner. Again, list everything big or small. Start with, “I think…” (because you can’t know for sure what your partner thinks of feels). For example: “I think you’re frustrated when I leave my shoes at the front door instead of putting them in the closet.” “I think you’re frustrated because I continue to flirt with other people when we are at social events.”

Finally, prioritize the problems. Which problems are detrimental and immediately damaging to the relationship and which are only bothersome and can be addressed at anytime.  I\ll talk more about how to deal with frustrations by accurately restructuring them and having a deeper clue as to how your frustration with your partner actually has more to do with YOU than anything your partner is doing in later blog posts.

If you want more tips on how to heal your relationship problems now, sign up for my newsletter on my website and get your free 21 page report called 21 Ways to Win at Love.  Go to http://www.DianeAndersonCounselling.com

Make a COMMITMENT to your relationship: 

Not much happens with just TRYING.  You must TAKE ACTION to win at your relationship!

a)   Be completely honest with yourself:  Do you want your relationship to work?  Are you unwilling to let your marriage fail?

b)   Make a 90-day commitment to put energy into rejuvenating and repairing your relationship.

c)   Invite your partner to make the commitment with you.  If your partner is unwilling, commit yourself anyway and see what happens.  You can better decide what you will do about your relationship after 90-days.

For More Tips Right Now?…get my free report, 21 Ways To Win At Love, at www.DianeAndersonCounselling.com

I’ll be a guest on RJ 1200 AM Radio, Vancouver’s #1 Bollywood Station, this Thursday, August 11th at 2-3pm (Pacific Time).  The topic:  Sibling Rivalry.  If you’ve had envy, jealousies, an inferiority/superiority complex, or just a down and dirty fight with a sibling, or if your children struggle with rivalry, then tune in!

Psychologist Sundeep Thinda and I are guests on the Shushma Datt’s lively, provocative and always exciting “Gup Shup” show.  Simulcast on both RJ1200 (1200 AM) and Radio Rim Jhim (subscription via private radio, cable or satellite) or you can also access the show by using “Listen Live” on the www.RJ1200.com website.

See if these thought patterns fit you and then notice what the out-of-whack belief about the Self (or others) is in the brackets.

Do you think:

1.  “I don’t have to apologize because you should:

• know I didn’t mean it
• just get over it
• accept me as I am?”

(Then you likely have a sense of deservedness and entitlement that makes it hard for you to be in healthy relationship with others).

 2. “If you loved me, you’d automatically forgive me?”

(Then you show irresponsibility and lack of emotional maturity for healthy relationships to flourish).

 3.  “Nothing I do will undo the hurt I’ve caused you—no matter what I say, I can’t make it right?”  (Your easy surrender to a sense of helplessness usually stems from your previous experiences at the hands of people who were unforgiving or merciless)

4.  “You’ll never forgive me, why should I try?”  (You collapse into hopelessness which allows you to let yourself off the hook from trying—again learned in other experiences like helplessness above.  You see yourself as the constant victim when you may actually be the perpetrator of hurts.)

5.“It’s weak to apologize.”

(You learned not to trust others and to be invulnerable—at some point in your life you likely had to cut off your compassion toward others because you had to cut off your own pain).

You can see how crippling these thoughts, behaviours and mindsets can be—toward you, toward your partner—and how devastating they can be to your relationship.

Tomorrow:  3 Things to Help Change Unproductive Apology Mindsets!

 

Do have trouble apologizing?  Does your partner complain that you never apologize?  Is s/he upset because it feels like they are always giving in or making amends while you don’t budge and seem like you are never wrong—even if you both know you are?

Our inability to apologize is very problematic.  We can come across as uncaring, unfeeling and cold.  And it prevents us from repairing any damages we’ve caused in our relationship, robbing both our partner and ourselves of healing, intimacy and closeness.

Usually our inability to apologize is mixed up with old, unconscious, unhealthy underlying beliefs that get in the way of being able to get closer to our loved ones in a heartfelt way.  Aside from messing-up our external relationships, they are often indicators of our own messed-up internal relationships toward our Self.

Tomorrow: 5 Messed Up Mindsets That Trip Us Up When Apologizing.

When my 2nd marriage ended suddenly and unexpectedly in 2008, I questioned my life, my work as a relationship counsellor, and felt like my very identity had been blown to bits.  It seemed to take forever to find my bearings again.  Everything hurt for a long, long time.

I wish I had seen this video of Steven Jobs’ 2005 commencement speech to Stanford University graduates back in 2008–it would have helped ease the fear I had to just get up every morning with such overwhelming doubt and despair.  I’m glad someone sent it my way this week…and that those dark days are over for me!

“Sometimes life’s gonna hit you in the head with a brick; don’t lose faith.  I’m convinced the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did–you’ve got to find what you love!  And that is as true for work as it is for you lovers.   If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking and don’t settle.  As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it.  And just like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on.  So keep looking.  Don’t settle.”   Steve Jobs

If you’ve been hit hard and wondered if you’d ever get back up again….and then did—what helped you?  Let me know in your comments below.  You’ll never know when your words will be a comfort to someone else

Today is the Summer Solstice

…the longest period of sunshine happens today across the Northern Hemisphere!  This day, Midsummer, has been celebrated for centuries and across cultures!

The Druid’s celebrated this day as the “wedding of Heaven and Earth.”  A man and a woman who were of courting age, would feast and dance throughout the day.  And at night they would lie down in the fields to symbolize the wedding of heaven (the masculine) and earth (the feminine) and to conscecrate their union.  Their procreation was an offering for a fruitful growing season in addition to the creation of offspring.

June is known as the month for weddings because of these ancient beliefs and festivities where unions were blessed…thus June has been considered lucky for marriages to modern day

Other ways in which the Solstice and love are linked through Pagan cultures?

“Honeymoon” is derived from a drink made of fermented honey (or mead, that was drank as a part of Midsummer ceremonies), and the moon that rose after a long day of sunshine in the Northern Hemisphere.  As people stayed up to greet the dawn, the moon was well-observed.

After a day of feasting and celebrating, bonfires were lit as sacred fires allowing the revellers to party all night long.  Couples would leap together through the flames.  It was believed that the couple would manifest crops as high as they could jump.  Perhaps this is why marriage is often thought of as a leap of faith!

The Summer Solstice has deep roots in the area of love, sexuality, sensuality and spirituality.

What will you do to celebrate the Solstice?  I will be at the ocean watching the sunset and the moonrise beside a fire.  I’ll be celebrating another Winter’s end, giving thanks for a beautiful Spring filled with promises of good things to bloom in my life and looking eagerly toward the fullness of Summer!

Do you have any ways in which you celebrate the Summer Solstice?  Please leave a comment or suggestion below.

Happy Midsummer!

A fascinating talk from ethnographer Stefana Broadbent on how technology is allowing for the “democratization of intimacy” in her TED.com talk, “How the internet enables intimacy.”

Post your comments below and tell me what messages you’ve given or received that have enhanced your relationship?

We all make mistakes!

We can and do hurt the people we love–sometimes innocently, sometimes by accident, sometimes on purpose.

Regardless of the cause of the hurt–intentional or unintentional–the damage is done. As a relationship counselor, one thing I know is a heartfelt apology is essential to healing.

Unfortunately, many of us don’t know how to make an apology.  Absent apologies leave scars on relationships. Over time, scars restrict the flow of love in any relationship–just like scars restrict blood flow in the flesh–and over time, the tissues of a relationship die.

So here’s the 7 Apology Essentials that restore “love” flow to hurt relationships!

1. Name The Hurt You Caused

Give a detailed account of your hurtful behaviors and legitimate your partner’s feelings. They’re not “crazy” for feeling this way-and you know it. When you ‘fess up to what you did, you validate them.

2. Acknowledge Your Impact and The Damage Done

This way, you validate their resulting emotions. The hurt person can see you understand the situation as it pertains to them-even if someone else might have reacted differently, you acknowledge your partner’s hurt.

3. Take Responsibility for the Situation and Recognize Your Role in the Harm

Don’t make excuses, rationalize away your behavior, defend or justify your behaviors to try to avoid blame. The intent of an apology is to repair the hurt heart of the other person, not to get you off the hook.

4. Care Deeply About the Hurt You Caused

It should matter that you hurt someone you care about. Being flippant or minimizing the hurt will not serve to repair the relationship. Twinges of guilt and remorse exist because we care, so experience them…and the apologies will naturally flow. However, acting like you care when you don’t will be sensed on some level and render the apology ineffective. Worse, a lack of empathy leaves you prone to repeat the behavior in the future. If you are truly unable to care, then get some professional help to access your compassion.

5. Know Thyself–and Really Know Why!

Your partner says, “How could you hurt me this way?” Know that your initial answer, “I don’t know,” isn’t sufficient! You must look inside and figure out why you did what you did. If you can’t explain your actions and have no insight as to why, how can your partner ever trust again? You must face the truth about yourself-no matter how ugly! You may not be able to undo the past, but you can seek to understand it. If you have trouble understanding why or telling the truth, seek professional help. And never use the other person’s behaviors as the “reason” for your own…that is passing the buck and will likely inflame things more. Take responsibility for YOUR actions.

6. Express Your Regret and Ask for Forgiveness

Slowly, sincerely, and succinctly say, “I’m sorry” somewhere in the apology. You can ask for forgiveness but know the other is not required to forgive you, nor does apologizing imply your “right” to be forgiven.

7. Work to Earn Trust Back

Don’t repeat the hurtful behavior again. Back up your words of remorse or regret with action. Keep your commitments to the hurt person. Follow through with behaviors you promised to keep.

Remember, apologies can heal the other person’s hurt and restore connection for both of you!  But more importantly, when we hurt someone carelessly or purposely, we effectively debase our own humanity.  When we sincerely work to restore the other person’s love and forgiveness by confronting and correcting the damage we’ve caused, we restore our own honor and dignity. The final outcome of apologizing, then, is repairing our relationship to self–and becoming more fully human again!

If you need help healing a hurt or making an apology, give me a call for a free, no-obligation, 10 minute phone consult…778-292.  Don’t allow absent apologies to keep your relationship scarred a moment longer!  Heal the hurts and get back to the happiness.