We all make mistakes!
We can and do hurt the people we love–sometimes innocently, sometimes by accident, sometimes on purpose.
Regardless of the cause of the hurt–intentional or unintentional–the damage is done. As a relationship counselor, one thing I know is a heartfelt apology is essential to healing.
Unfortunately, many of us don’t know how to make an apology. Absent apologies leave scars on relationships. Over time, scars restrict the flow of love in any relationship–just like scars restrict blood flow in the flesh–and over time, the tissues of a relationship die.
So here’s the 7 Apology Essentials that restore “love” flow to hurt relationships!
1. Name The Hurt You Caused
Give a detailed account of your hurtful behaviors and legitimate your partner’s feelings. They’re not “crazy” for feeling this way-and you know it. When you ‘fess up to what you did, you validate them.
2. Acknowledge Your Impact and The Damage Done
This way, you validate their resulting emotions. The hurt person can see you understand the situation as it pertains to them-even if someone else might have reacted differently, you acknowledge your partner’s hurt.
3. Take Responsibility for the Situation and Recognize Your Role in the Harm
Don’t make excuses, rationalize away your behavior, defend or justify your behaviors to try to avoid blame. The intent of an apology is to repair the hurt heart of the other person, not to get you off the hook.
4. Care Deeply About the Hurt You Caused
It should matter that you hurt someone you care about. Being flippant or minimizing the hurt will not serve to repair the relationship. Twinges of guilt and remorse exist because we care, so experience them…and the apologies will naturally flow. However, acting like you care when you don’t will be sensed on some level and render the apology ineffective. Worse, a lack of empathy leaves you prone to repeat the behavior in the future. If you are truly unable to care, then get some professional help to access your compassion.
5. Know Thyself–and Really Know Why!
Your partner says, “How could you hurt me this way?” Know that your initial answer, “I don’t know,” isn’t sufficient! You must look inside and figure out why you did what you did. If you can’t explain your actions and have no insight as to why, how can your partner ever trust again? You must face the truth about yourself-no matter how ugly! You may not be able to undo the past, but you can seek to understand it. If you have trouble understanding why or telling the truth, seek professional help. And never use the other person’s behaviors as the “reason” for your own…that is passing the buck and will likely inflame things more. Take responsibility for YOUR actions.
6. Express Your Regret and Ask for Forgiveness
Slowly, sincerely, and succinctly say, “I’m sorry” somewhere in the apology. You can ask for forgiveness but know the other is not required to forgive you, nor does apologizing imply your “right” to be forgiven.
7. Work to Earn Trust Back
Don’t repeat the hurtful behavior again. Back up your words of remorse or regret with action. Keep your commitments to the hurt person. Follow through with behaviors you promised to keep.
Remember, apologies can heal the other person’s hurt and restore connection for both of you! But more importantly, when we hurt someone carelessly or purposely, we effectively debase our own humanity. When we sincerely work to restore the other person’s love and forgiveness by confronting and correcting the damage we’ve caused, we restore our own honor and dignity. The final outcome of apologizing, then, is repairing our relationship to self–and becoming more fully human again!
If you need help healing a hurt or making an apology, give me a call for a free, no-obligation, 10 minute phone consult…778-292. Don’t allow absent apologies to keep your relationship scarred a moment longer! Heal the hurts and get back to the happiness.
